Tuesday, July 29, 2003


At this time of year the garden becomes inundated with unwanted crap. Crumpled up cigarette packets deliberately thrown over the wall! Dented beer cans! Used jonnies, old tampons and manky gloves! They land on your lavender and bend its stalks, knock over geranium tubs and flatten the lobelia growing in your hanging baskets!
So what can be done? Well, first of all we need to identify the cause of the problem...that being the little bastards who live in the house over the back of the ginnel! These resilient pests are the products of ill-bred, malignant Housing Association clients whose ignorance and parasitic abilities are only matched by the various members of the aristocracy.
When dealing with these vermin one has the choice of two courses of action.
Firstly, find out where the little shits live and then visit their houses with a bucket of dog turds. Throw the dog turds evenly all over their front lawns and, simultaneously, shout, "How do you like it you ignorant fuckers! Now keep your stinking kids away from my bastard garden or I'll shit through your letterbox next time!"
Alternatively you can wait until you catch on the little bastards in the act of flinging some bit of tat over your garden gate. Then bring a large cobblestone crashing down on the back of their soft scalps. Remember, be sure to make the blow fatal first time to avoid the child screaming and crying loudly. We don't want to attract the attention of any neighbours, do we? Then, under cover of darkness, dissolve the remains in a large bath of acid before pouring the steaming brown liquid into the drain.

Next week: The Neighbour's Barbecue: How to aim your piss at the right angle from your bathroom window to extinguish the flames and ruin their testicle burgers all in one go.