"I don't know how close we are to getting Saddam Hussein. You know - it's closer than it was yesterday, I guess."

"Yes Bob, I'm seeing a swarthy man with a big black moustache who is very sad. I believe he has lost someone very close to him. Wait, wait ... more than one person very dear to him. I'm hearing the letters U and K. Do those letters mean anything to you Bob? Have you got a message to give him Bob? Quickly, he's fading away ... sorry Bob ... too late he's gone."

"Yes Bob, I can assure you that no matter how high the office you occupy, if you were to poke a finger in your eye like I'm about to do, it will cause a sharp and excruciating pain."

In the spirit of keeping the funniest, the best and the factual till last ...

Fielding a wide range of questions, President Bush also:

- Said he opposes gay marriage and might offer legislation on the subject: "I believe a marriage is between a man and a woman*. And I think we ought to codify that one way or the other. And we've got lawyers looking at the best way to do that."


Guess there are a few lawyers down Salem way with a bit of time on their hands during the non witch huntin' season.

*The President stated that this belief was based on material supplied by Agents Blount, Philby, Burgess and McLean of the British Intelligence Service.

Backing up President Bush's hammer time approach to nancy-boy nuptuals, the Vatican has released a strong condemnation of gay marriages, calling the practice "deviant" and a grave threat to society.

The document written by the Vatican's Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith says legal recognition of homosexual unions would obscure basic values.

It maintains marriage between a man and a woman is holy, while homosexual acts go against the natural moral law.

Whereas dressing up in beautifully embroidered dresses, wearing lots of holy roller bling bling, being surrounded 24/7 by lots of dudes in cool black threads and fellating airport tarmacs is entirely normal.