Monday, July 28, 2003

The forth series of the British version of Big Brother, known amongst devotees as "The really, really fucking boring one", has ended with the sort of whimper more normally associated with George Bush's PR guru. Cameron (don't ask me his second name...I don't know and I don't give a shit), the bible-bashing Scot with a flatter personality than an unfortunate hedgehog on the main Orkney Road, has walked away £70,000 the richer. Apparently he's going to use the money to repair the roof on his local church. I didn't realise corrugated iron cost that much. Sad spakko or what?
During his time in the house Cameron has admitted to being a thirty-odd year old virgin (somehow I doubt this has anything to do with his religious beliefs) and to believing that homosexuals should be torched and fed to the sheep like they are back home. And this coming from a virgin in a skirt?
Cameron is perhaps best known for wearing an armband with the letters "WWJD" on it.
"They stand for 'What Would Jesus Do?'" Cameron explained in an interview for GMTV. "Whenever I'm in a difficult situation it reminds me to ask what Jesus would do under the same circumstances."
Fuck all mate...he's been dead for two thousand years! Then again, old JC would probably have given the £70,000 to his good friend Uncle Brian for services rendered. You know the address.

Meanwhile, Deputy Prime Minister, Jabba the Prescott has been missing from our t.v. screens for over six months now and rumours are starting to circulate about his untimely death to morbid obesity. Close observers of Prime Minister's Questions have noted that Prescott's body has been replaced recently by a large, plastic statue borrowed from the forecourt of a Michelin garage somewhere in the East End.
"The truth is," commented a government spokesmoron on Sunday morning. "John has been wedged in the toilet door since shortly after Christmas, but seeing as he never did fuck all anyway we thought it'd be best to leave him there."

And finally, Liza "I'm Judy Garland's daughter, you know?" Minelli has separated from her bog-eyed, down-syndrome husband, David following a screening of Ruby Wax's interview with the couple on Friday night. Several years ago Minelli suffered a catastrophic disease that forced her brain to swell to four hundred times its normal size and get wedged in her sinus.
Said Judy of the breakdown of her agent's contract marriage, "I realised that David was making me look like a freak (Editor's note: what else is new?) so he had to go."
Having watched the programme I can say with my hand on a pig's heart that I'm honestly shocked. They seemed like such a sincere couple. Of what, I'm not sure, but they were certainly sincere about it.