Lanky Scots television presenter, John "I love lesbians even if they don't love me" Leslie has been acquitted of the rape allegations brought against him by an unnamed member of the public. Ronnie Corbett has once again been implicated but for legal reasons we have been asked to point out that Ronnie's bowlegged walk is more likely down to him suffering from dwarfism rather than having had anal sex with a blubbering Scottish twat.
Leslie's "nightmare" began when Ulrika Johnson published her autobiography in which she claimed that she was indecently assaulted by a television personality. Critics at the time pointed out the Leslie couldn't have been involved because he has about as much personality a stainless steel bucket full of water.
Since the Rant of the Week went public with
Ronnie Corbett's Leslie's alleged involvement several council estate slappers managed to step onto the gravy train as it pulling out of the station. Yesterday, however, all charges were dropped following revelations that Leslie had been caught outside Buckingham Palace with one of Prince Charles' servants and a large pat of butter.
In a tearful statement outside the court worthy of an Oscar, Leslie proclaimed, "I have bin vindicated. Noo Ay just wanna get back tee narmal life!" Three female members of the news crew were heard screaming as they ran away.
The producers of "This Morning" however have decided that Leslie will not be returning to the programme.
"This has nothing to do with the rape allegations," said a spokesman for ITV. "It's just that, during the trial by media, we realised what a talentless twat he actually was."
Ulrika Johnson, in the meantime, has sold millions of copies of her
made-up piece of old shit autobiography to celebrity gossip lovers who were hoping to read about Leslie's none-existant sexual forays. Johnson will appear in court on Monday charged with crimes against British publishing and is currently being sued for plagiarism by JK Rowling.