Available now...if you happen to know me personally and live within walking distance of my house.*
All the best jokes that the Krankies have ever written!
All the wisest words spoken by New Labour or written on the toilet walls in the Commons!
Absolutely no connection with Christopher Biggins or Michael Barrymore!
The Magazine that raped Ulrika and gave Cliff Richards a stiff one up the arse!
*Coming soon to a newsagents nowhere near you unless you happen to live in Fleetwood.

Please note: No celebrities or politicians were hurt in the making of this booklet...although it wasn't through want of trying. Free pull-out colour section of the ex-Queen Mum in the nude fraternising with the corgis if you fail to buy a copy!

US report admits 'no reliable information' of Iraq WMD

A US Defence Intelligence Agency (DIA) report has revealed there was "no reliable information" that Iraq had weapons of mass destruction in September last year.

However, the head of the agency says that does not mean Iraq did not possess such weapons.

The DIA report included a reference that it did not have enough "reliable information" on Iraq's weapons of mass destruction (WMD).

The report was presented to the administration as it was mounting a case for the urgent disarmament of Iraq.

Vice Admiral Lowell Jacoby, the head of the agency, says the report found it could not find proof of Iraq's chemical and biological weapons, but that did not mean the agency believed Iraq did not possess any.

"It is not in any way intended to portray the fact that we had doubts that such a programme existed," he said.

Admiral Jacoby today testified before the Senate Intelligence Committee which has begun an inquiry into the quality of US intelligence and if it was doctored in any way to strengthen the case for going to war.

Further enquiries are to be held into the existence of the Tooth Fairy, Easter Bunny and a bearded fat bloke in a red suit who is reported to have an unhealthy relationship with a number of little helpers. Should no evidence be found of their existence there will be a massive worldwide recall of biscuspid bounties, chocolate eggs and stuffed stockings. The United Nations has all its agencies on red alert for the implementation of "Operation Sorry It Was Just A Clerical Error".

Deputy Editor shall be AWOL for the next 3 days. Family matters. (Such matters may involve semi automatic shotguns and/or ground glass, however no jury would convict.)

The True Face of the War: Channel 4 last night.

Disgusting! Shocking! Repugnant! Fascinating!
Quite possibly the best documentary I've seen on television this year...although, frankly, that's not saying a lot. But you know that when highly respected reporters such as John Snow and John Simpson feel the need to get together to tear back the blanket of propaganderous bullshit and reveal the true, fucked-up under belly of what really happened (and is still happening) in Iraq then it's got to be worth watching.
And it was.
My only regret is that programme wasn't shown until a quarter past eleven at night. Obviously you couldn't expect anything else considering some of the footage, but as John Snow himself said, "I'd rather have my children know the truth about conflict so that they can develop informed opinions than remain in ignorance."
My other regret is that this programme will never be shown in America. At least I doubt it will, despite some eminent American journalists supplying their own 'military censored' footage and personal stories.
I don't want to see another Star Spangled Banner waved or hung from a building ever again. I don't want to see another Union Jack held triumphantly in the air. I am sickened by the bullshit of politicians. I'm fucked off with wankers who go on about 'freedom of speech' and 'liberation'. If you get the chance, watch this programme and all the others that Channel 4 have been showing in this series.
Still pro-war? Take another look. You might loose that warm, comfortable feeling that goes with being patriotic. But what you'll gain in knowledge far exceeds it.
Hmmm...a bit of a serious blog for me tonight, eh? Fuck it...it's been a long week and I thought I'd end on a bum note.

God Save The Queen

"Well, well," murmured the Doctor. "Fancy Bumpo studying at Oxford. Well, well!"
"There were great doings in Jolliginki when he left. He was scared to death to come. He was the first man from that country to go abroad. He thought he was going to be eaten by white cannibals or something. You know what those niggers are -- that ignorant! Well! -- But his father made him come. He said that all black kings were sending their sons to Oxford now. It was the fashion, and he would have to go. Bumpo wanted to bring his six wives with him. But the king wouldn't let him do that either. Poor Bumpo went off in tears -- and everybody in the palace was crying too. You never heard such a hullabaloo."
"Do you know if he ever went back in search of The Sleeping Beauty?" asked the Doctor.
"Oh, yes," said Polynesia -- "the day after you left. And a good thing for him he did: the king got to know about his helping you to escape; and he was dreadfully wild about it."
"And The Sleeping Beauty? -- did he ever find her?"
"Well, he brought back something which he said was The Sleeping Beauty. Myself, I think it was an albino niggeress. She had red hair and the biggest feet you ever saw."

Extract from the original 1923 edition of 'THE VOYAGES OF DOCTOR DOLITTLE' by Hugh Lofting, which goes some way towards explaining why modern editions admit quite openly to having been 'expurgated' and also explains how so many people that grew up on these delightful bedtime stories back in the 20s and 30s developed such narrow views on the world.

Despite John Howard deciding to stay on as Prime Minister beyond his 64th birthday (rumour has it up to the year 2084 at least) and denying Liberal deputy Peter Costello the quick succession he was hoping for, they still maintain a good working relationship.

No quick succession Pete? Really! Could have fooled me.

Seen at CRIKEY
(And probably posted on every Australian blog and attached to every email sent in Oz this week.)

Editor's note: This must come as a great blow to everyone in Australia.

LETTERS TO THE EDITOR

Received in an e-mail from the mysterious Dr. G. (I've no idea who he is but he threatened me by dangling a puppy over a vat of acid. Naturally I have decided to comply with his wishes and post the e-mail in full because I don't want my living room stinking of crisp puppy fat.)

I presume this is the way one hands one's rants in. The Scragends guestbook part is bit too short for any serious ranting:

It's time for some comment on the GM farce that is just occuring:

Public consultation on GM foods

1) The public have no idea about GM.

2) This is because the government keep almost all of the real facts secret.

3) Why would anyone in their right mind invite an uneducated majority to consultation?

4) Either to about-turn and get votes from the hoi-polloi, or to ignore (as per usual) but placate the public in the meantime.

5) Why are we bothered about GM in the first place?

6) Not for any particularly sound biological reason but because of US sci-fi drivel like the X-files.

7) Frankenfoods, my arse.

8) We and everything around us are a product of GM.

9) We just call it natural selection, instead.

10) GM just speeds up NS.

10) Ergo, if GM is bad we should all be exterminated.

11) That would solve all government issues.

Dr. G.

Editor's note: I'm forced to agree. Not only because it's all true but because I just heard the fizz of the puppy's tail.

In a controversial move the British Government (and in particular Tony bin Blair) have decided to implement a new Health Policy. The policy involves patients having to sign agreements with their doctors to lead healthier lifestyles. (Fascist bastards!)
Apparently people who smoke and people who are overweight (why does John Prescott's private health insurance scheme suddenly spring to mind here?) from now on might even be refused treatment in hospital emergency departments if their problem is cigarette or food related. Not that I'm complaining. Those places are always full of violent fucking drunks anyway. Odd though, isn't it, that Uncle Tony hasn't even mentioned alcohol abuse? Mind you when you consider his family's track record on that one it's not that fucking surprising.
Future plans of 'treatment refusal' for those attempting to 'waste the coffers of our National Insurance' in this manner include people involved in car crashes (they knew the risks), people who walked under a ladder, pet owners, sportsmen and anybody involved in any sort of accident anywhere, anyhow, whatsoever. (Hey! It's their own fault. Accidents can be prevented you know!? We can't go round wasting public funds on stupid people who stick their hands into blenders or get their legs trapped in combine harvesters!)
"By the year 2010," laughed Tony into his copy of 'The Right Wing Times'. "We hope to have cleared the NHS waiting lists by not treating anybody at all and letting them all die instead. If, by some miracle, these fat, weed smoking bastards survive then perhaps they'll see the error of their self indulgent ways and will join BUPA instead."

Other news and Barry Manilow has broken his World famous nose. Apparently he woke up in the middle of the night, stumbled out of bed and banged his schnoz on the wall opposite...roughly fifteen feet and four rooms away. At that point Manilow collapsed as his nose bled profusely, losing ten pints of blood. Now the ageing kitsch star is considering rhinoplasty.
"Not a chance," commented Dr Cecil bin Sedgwick, World famous plastic surgeon. "In Manilow's case it'll have to be elephantoplasty or nothing."

Deputy Editor notes that Mr Durante's lovechild has made an opportunity out of adversity.

This link which offers a gobsmacking declension of WMD quotes.

It starts with ...

"Simply stated, there is no doubt that Saddam Hussein now has weapons of mass destruction."
(Dick Cheney August 26, 2002)

and ends with

"It was a surprise to me then — it remains a surprise to me now — that we have not uncovered weapons, as you say, in some of the forward dispersal sites. Believe me, it's not for lack of trying. We've been to virtually every ammunition supply point between the Kuwaiti border and Baghdad, but they're simply not there."
(Lt. Gen. James Conway, 1st Marine Expeditionary Force May 30 2003 )

Mind you, I don't doubt the existence of WMDs. My source and his evidence is impeccable ...

"The president of the United States and the secretary of defense would not assert as plainly and bluntly as they have that Iraq has weapons of mass destruction if it was not true, and if they did not have a solid basis for saying it,"
Ari Fleischer as reported in the New York Times.

I rest their cases.

AT LAST - A CONSERVATIVE ALTERNATIVE TO BEN & JERRY'S

"Like millions of your fellow Americans, you enjoy ice cream but do NOT enjoy seeing your money funneled to wacko left-wing causes. We are not ashamed of America. We think it's the best country ever, and so we have set out to make the best ice cream ever!

And when you serve Star Spangled, you serve your country, because we proudly donate 10 percent of our profits to charities that support the men and women of the US Armed Forces."

TESTIMONIALS

"I'm a high school student in Circle Pines, MN and I just heard about your ice cream on Fox News. I'm very happy about what you are doing and hope that this expands to my local stores. Thanks for making this for the benefit of our troops. I have a family member in Iraq and they need all the support they can get. You guys are awesome for doing this. Thank You. God Bless America."

"Finally, gourmet ice cream that doesn't leave a bad taste in my mouth or get stuck in my craw. Please get this stuff to Texas a.s.a.p. -- it's already as hot as July here!"

"I'm going to talk to someone at the Commissary at the Pearl Harbor Naval base to have them contact you to see if they could start selling Star Spangled Ice Cream. I know your ice cream would sell off the shelves in the freezer at ALL the Commissaries in the US, so hopefully we will see your product in a store soon."

"I read about your ice cream flavors in the NY POST and could not believe it! You guys rock! I recently found out that Ben and Jerry's founder has a strong anti-Israel policy and was very upset, and then I heard about your company and I cannot even begin to tell you how happy it made me. I am a college freshman majoring in political science who until now did not know how to express my frustration about the liberal academia. Star Spangled ice cream is the answer. However, I am an orthodox Jew who keeps kosher and therefore not able to enjoy your ice cream. I strongly suggest that you get some form of orthodox supervision for your ice cream. I assure you that the majority of those who support Israel and the global war against terrorism will purchase your product. Keep up the great work!"

"Oh man, this is great. Where were you guys for all this time??? Finally, an American company that actually cares about America, its president, and its troops. God Bless America, and may God bless you guys."

Ah, the well known, long established nexus between food, politics and profits. We vote what we eat.

Save the woodchip industry ... eat more Greens.

As posted at "There aint no Sanity Clause" the Antipodean Branch Office of the ROTW.

Note to Ed. want a new second hand scanner? Despite the 68 bullet holes it still doesn't work. }:0(
(Cavalry arriving this long weekend ... which I'm sure you'll be pleased to know is the one set aside to celebrate the Queen's birthday.)

Editor's note to Deputy Editor: Defunct scanner noted. Will expect Issue Two's cover illustration just as soon as you've removed the bullet holes from the old scanner and, hopefully, passed them onto her Maj. "Testimonials"? Have they started putting those in ice cream as well as their burgers in America now?

Ah...Lancashire! Y' just can't beat it!

Well, not unless you had a bloody big carpet beater about twenty miles wide and forty miles long.
Hey...it's late and I'm bored and I found this site...whilst cruising for 'lesbians in custard' porn...and it made me realise just how lucky I am and how unlucky the rest of you are.
Tough shit folks. I'm off to develop the flu and gloat in peace.

For everybody, who like such a things.. included heroes and villains.

BBC weather forecasters. You've got to love 'em. In the same way that Mother Theresa loved lepers perhaps...but still. According to this morning's statistics Weymouth (or somewhere) saw the most hours of sunshine yesterday (eleven of them apparently) in what was otherwise an extremely boggy, damp and miserable Britain.
Which is odd because when I got out of bed at seven o'clock yesterday morning there wasn't a cloud in the sky over Fleetwood. In fact it was so hot and sunny and cloudless and blue and stifling I had to water the back garden at least three times during the morning in order to prevent it from shrivelling into a crisp.
This continued until the sun sank about eleven o'clock last night.
Quick calculation...ten plus...removes sock...eight...removes other sock...add six...removes third sock with a worried expression...minus fifteen...that makes at least sixteen hours of solid, fifteen carat sunshine over Fleetwood yesterday and not a snotling of drizzle, rain, fog or seagull piss in sight.
All in all, despite the atrociously large license fee, despite the Met Office with its flotilla of computers, despite the insanely huge wages of Michael Fish and that bird with the big knockers off Channel Five, despite all that...the truth is the Father Christmas mobile made from fir-cones that my nephews thrust upon me last Christmas and that I now keep in a shoebox in the top of the wardrobe, is considerably more accurate.
I know that Santa's working because yesterday the shoebox split when his pinecone head swelled to the size of a pomegranate with gout and his knob made the crepe-paper angels blush.

Did Tony spin Blair doctor intelligence reports handed to him by the British Secret Service in order to drum up public support for an unnecessary war? Did Jack Straw and Colin Powell really have a secret liaison in which they worried about the issue of WMD being a genuine reason to attack Iraq? Did the WDM exist in the first place or were they all a fabrication to justify the invasion of an independent state?
Who gives a bollock!?
We're missing the bigger picture here.
Fact: The Iraqi government did not use WDM against invading forces.
Fact: If ever they had a reason to use them a huge invasion force would have been it.
Fact: Bush and Blair claimed they needed to go to war against Iraq because '...it was a nation harbouring WDM that it would use without provocation against neighbouring territories.'
Fact: Iraq had plenty of provocation and still failed to produce the WDM.
Fact: The war had been decided and agreed the minute Bush Jr got into power. In fact it had been worked out by Rumsfelt and his cronies years ago in lieu of the so-called New World Order.
Fact: The reasons for the war have not been justified, therefore the war itself was illegal.
Fact: The thousands of innocent people who died in the conflict can no longer be considered as 'casualties of war' but 'murder victims'.
Fact: In Texas they still sentence murderers to death row.
Fact: George Bush, one time governor of Texas responsible for sending countless murderers to their deaths, will not be meeting the same fate as justice demands.
Fact: We're all fucked. We're living in a totalitarian regime. The vast majority of people have not only been hoodwinked by all this bullshit but continue to staunchly defend it. As Winston Smith said, somewhat prematurely, "You can destroy my body but you will never alter my mind."
Fact: Christopher Biggins is a big fat bender with no talent.
Fact: I've run out of steam on this one and I'm going to stop after this sentence.

Somebody, somewhere, is eating a Toffee Crisp.

It's Amazing!

Meet Derek and his superb post office!

Derek's been busy for the last twenty-five years building up one of the best combined stationers, post-offices and Canon Laser Printing studios in Europe. Unrivalled in Fleetwood (and indeed the rest of the World) for stuff such as Sellotape, Pritt Sticks and Blue Tac, Derek and his curvaceous assistant, have cornered the market in the sort of professional, friendly service you'd associate with five star excellence.
So visit Derek today! Buy a stamp! Cash a postal order! Sniff some glue and enjoy the wide range of greetings cards they have in stock! A fantastic day out for all the family!

Please note: Although Derek has reached an agreement with me to print SKUNK Magazine at an extremely low price, this has nothing to do with my admiration for his magnificent shop and my sudden desire to plug his unique services. I did not, have not, and never will, stoop to gratuitous advertising simply to achieve my own ends. Also I never held a meeting with Colon Powell before the start of the Iraq War to discuss my fears that intelligence reports concerning WMD were total bollocks.