"...the brain actually becomes smaller, as time goes on, through the repeated shocks of coition, and becomes distorted in shape."

An extract from William James Chidley's "The Answer" explaining the dangers of too much wombat abuse amongst Antipodean cartoonists.

Tonight sees the relaunch of ITV's "I'm an Ex-celebrity who can't get Decent Pantomime Work and will eat Caterpillars for Promotion -- Get Me on Telly!" (I, for one, will be going out for an evening stroll despite the torrential rain.) Saddam Hussein's wife, Margaret Hilda Thatch Abdulah Omah Hussein, will be amongst the motley collection of washed-up has-beens, along with the Ex Iraqi Information Minister (described recently by Dubya as "...one of the funniest people I've met since talking to that Pontiff bloke...") and Elkie Brooks (my God how the mighty have fallen). Uri Gellar will not be reprising his role as the phantom child molester (allegedly...at least according to Mr Stalworth of 42 Blackberry Crescent, Fleetwood) and angry little bulldyke Fiona Cameron was humanely destroyed in pre-programme counselling following a decidely unhealthy career.

Meanwhile in China the authorities, worried about the spread of SARS, are fining people the equivalent of three pounds (or eight years hard-earned wages) for spitting in public. The English football squad have cancelled a trip to Beijing promoting their latest away strip for fears of bankruptcy.
Eight cases of SARS have now been recorded in Britain, although none of them have resulted in death. (We're made of grittier stuff over here than in Canada.) The Health Authority, however, has called on the government to deal with matters.
"We are treating it in the same manner that we dealt with foot and mouth," responded David Blunkett with his back to press. "We're going to wait until it's too late, dismiss any cures as being too expensive, round up all Canadians in Britain, along with all Orientals and anyone with a sniffle, and have them culled. Then we're going burn all our political refugees in Dover."
Several members of the royal household are rumoured to be carrying the virus. They are, of course, exempt from the slaughter as they're never likely to come into contact with common plebs.