Thursday, May 01, 2003

A rant from one of Australia's finest social commentators.

Neighbours - 25 April 2003

If Eskimos have seventy-five words to describe snow, we should have at least a hundred to describe dickheads.

Take my neighbours – not the ones near the roundabout but the other ones – they are ill-educated troglodytes that don’t know the difference between a muffin and a friand (? Bonds and assurities? Shiraz and Merlot?).

I hardly need to add they’re renters.

The young bloke came home the other day in a souped up car with the number plates ‘lover 69’ - obviously ‘pillock’ had already been taken. His common law strumpet parades around in tracky dacks with matching stilettos and thinks the Dalai Lama is an ice cream shop.

They won’t be offended if they hear this – ‘dickhead’ has two syllables, which is one beyond their comprehension.

There is a myth in Australia that people like these have the right to live in my street. It’s called egalitarianism, which was a cunning ideology devised in the nineteenth century to fool workers that they have a purpose in society beyond serving the ruling classes.

I recently decided that the idea was worth investigating and started riding in the front of taxis.

So for the last month I’ve been regaled by half-evolved life forms who think they are de facto correspondents for the department or meteorology, or worse still, the only people in the world who actually understand what’s happening.

There’s a whole army of cretins, fired up on 'No-Doze' and caffeine, sitting on beaded back supports and digging their finger nails into the re-inforced plastic steering wheels, who are convinced that if they weren’t busy driving the airport to city run twelve hours a day, they would single-handedly solve the middle east problem, the refugee crisis and Medicare.

It’s time we realised that egalitarianism is another outmoded ‘ism’ and until cab companies forcibly rip out the larynx of every employee I’m staying seated in the back.

You Know It Makes Sense.

I’m Sam Kekovich