Wednesday, April 23, 2003

FRIENDS...Channel 4 almost every day of the bloody week!

It could be Friends. It could be Cheers. It could be just about every American sitcom ever written, or at least every sitcom ever to be shown on British television as a prime example of American humour. (Sorry...humor.) I honestly don't know if America produces anything that's actually funny/political/satirical/varied/more-than-mundanity-set-in-front-of-an-audience-that-would-laugh-at-a-goldfish-if-prompted-to-do-so, but if it does then we unfortunate Brits are not yet privy to it.
Six wankers who share their nondescript lives between a cafe and a flat. How old are these people for fuck's sake? One of them's a soap opera star and he still lives in a shitty bedsit! Six wankers, all middle-class, all middle-aged, white, none-smoking, none-drinking, none-swearing, none-offensive, none-sexual, none-political, none-religious. All self-centred and trying to 'out one line' each other. All boring. All meaningless. All pervasive. All wankers.
Just once...just fucking once...I'd like to hear one of them say the word 'fuck'. Or call another one a 'stupid cunt' or talk about their balls or their fannies in graphic detail or something, like real people do. Just once I'd like one of them to not be so fucking nice and naive and so fucking bastard fucking understanding and compassionate whilst at the same time so fucking ignorant about anybody or anything outside their pissy little circle. Just once I'd like to see one of them fucking die. No...let me change that...just six times I'd like to see one of them die...all in the same episode. And then they can cancel the bloody thing and never have to annoy me with it again.
And that goes for the fucking Golden Girls and Bill Cosby and the Fresh Prince of Bell End every other none-aggressive, none-realistic, none-interesting, none-entertaining piece of frothy, humourless bollocks that passes for comedy in the USA.
I understand that we have our cultural differences but humour, whether it's spelt with or without the 'U', has one universal factor. It's supposed to make you laugh! Not go "Awh" or "Mmm" or "Turn the fucking thing off for Christ's sake before my fucking brain dies!" I've never once laughed at this crap...and if it wasn't for the total shite that the other four British television channels have to offer those who'd rather not frequent the pub on a Friday night I'd probably never watch it at all.
And will somebody please explain to the producers that their characters aren't likeable in any manner whatsoever. They're just bland annoying cunts. I don't care how much money they might make out of this but the bastards responsible ought to be ashamed of themselves.
Or preferably shot.

Next week: Oprah Winfrey...what an irritating, condescending, fat, old slag!

Following a damning survey which claims that 95% of the British public can see no good in door-to-door salesmen (despite the fact that 20% of the same public actually bought stuff from these hawkers last mongoloid is that?) the government is now considering making it illegal for traders to 'cold call' on people's homes.
Let's hope the ban includes Jehova's Witnesses, Mor(m)ons, children asking for their cricket balls back and those annoying cunts who wake you up in the middle of the afternoon to ask whether people knocking on your door in the afternoon ticks you off or not.

Meanwhile the SARS virus continues to run rampant across China. Dubbed the "New Yellow Fever" (in an extremely bad Chinese accent no doubt, as all Chinese exports are dubbed) the Daily Telegraph has linked the deadly disease to George Galloway claiming they have evidence that clearly shows some flakes of his skin mutating into evil spores.

In Iraq innocent (and some not innocent) people continue to be killed, as they still do in Afghanistan. However it's not relevant any more because News programme viewing figures have plummetted since the 'Shocking and Awesome' bombs stopped falling. News reporters, instead, have turned their attentions to the Queen's latest costume, some shitty boy band that's breaking up and various unsolved murders that were postponed during the Iraqi conflict.
"It's not that the war has ended and the problems are now solved," said Nick Owen, treasurer of the ITN funds. "It's just that we can't be arsed paying for our reporters to be on holiday any more."