Thursday, April 24, 2003

"It's full of stars..."

In an entirely fictitious but 'related to the quote above' move, the first ever Muslim Playboy went on sale in Baghdad today. "We're hoping to rebuild Islamic culture prick by prick," commented Hugh Heffner when accused of demeaning the beliefs of the Middle East. "And besides, I hear they sell some damned good rugs over there!"

Apparently America is the only country in the NATO alliance that has it's own 'Oath of Allegiance." This got me to wondering why anybody would need such a thing. After all, the British don't need to have the delusion that our country is the greatest place on Earth hammered into our heads every day of our childhoods. We already know what a magnificent realm we live in and how fantastic we are as human beings!
Then it struck me. America is a shit hole full of none-individuals with an average reading age of nine. (Nine! Imagine that! And if you subtract the reading ages of the British scientists who are currently conducting anthropological studies on the citizens of the USA from then it's even less!) The landscapes are terminally depressing. Unlike Britain's glorious patchwork countryside, our rolling valleys and snow capped mountains, from the fens of the beautiful Norfolk Broads, through the dreaming villages of the Cotswolds to the heather-clad mountains of Scotland, American landscapes are large, bland and shit. Your buildings are just boxes with windows, architectural style having packed up its Corinthian suitcases and buggered off when you 'won' the war of independence. Your films are an insult to the intelligence of chimpanzees. Your freedom of speech is a myth. Your understanding of politics is reduced to 'Good' and 'Evil' and even then you get it wrong. And, basically, the whole of the USA is a total washout.
No wonder you need to be brainwashed as children into believing that you live in the 'Greatest Country on Earth'. Otherwise you'd all just fuck off to another country and the corporate bastards who control you like so many opinionless puppets would find themselves with no-one to sell their fat-filled testicle-burgers, their homogenised greeting cards, their shitty sweatshirts and their soulless television shows to.
Somewhere along the lines the American dream of philanthropy and equality turned into greed and inequality, to the extent whereby it's now considered unpatriotic not to want millions of dollars and to be able to piss on your past companions from a great height. Due to decades of right-wing tax cutting abuses, your welfare state requires its own welfare state if it has any chance of survival, your educational system is fucked fair and square, your civil rights are vanishing up the arseholes of political repression and your institutions are coming down faster than Saddam Hussein statues around Baghdad.
So what exactly makes the USA so great?
I'm fucked if I know.
Incidentally...does anyone know why our viewing figures have been dropping recently? We don't seem to be getting as many regular American visitors any more.
Answers on a postcard please to: Irony and how to deal with it. 69 Bellend Street. Massabuttocks.