It's Easter Sunday, boys and girls. And we all know what that means, don't we?
Yeah...it means you're going t' stuff your ugly fat face full of chocolate you obese slag!
No it doesn't, does it boys and girls? It means that it's time to nail up Baby Jesus to his cross because he's been a very naughty boy. All that swearing and cussing and pickling his foreskin at Christmas! And then he ate his myrrh and threw his frankincense at the cat, didn't you? So, come along boys and girls. I'll get the rusty old nails and we can sing the Hammering Song together!
Oy! Knock it off y' turgid bitch. That fuckin' hurts!
If I had a hammer, I'd hammer Baby Jesus knock knock I'd hammer up his feet to a great big wooden cross...
You evil bastards! This fucking wrecks! Mind me bollocks with that thing for fuck's sake!
I'd hammer a big nail, right through his naughty fat skull Thwack! Bang! I'd hammer down his willy and Sellotape his mouth!
Fucking blasphemous cow! You're fired! Y' can find yourself another stooge y' dollop of bullshit! And you can stick your cross up your arse. I'm off to fuck Buddha's bum!

Editor's note: The ever-conscientious Rant of the Week staff would like to apologise for the previous item. It was never our intention to demean or belittle the true meaning of Easter. As a reminder of what Easter is really all about please stayed tuned whilst I find a suitable photograph of two rabbits screwing.