Iraq: And Taliq Alibongo Kaziz, Saddam Hussein's deputy prime minister, has given himself up to American authorities. "This is great," commented George Dubya this morning. "Mr Kaziz will be able to tell us where the weapons of mass destruction are most likely to be hidden so that it'll look really convincing when they're finally discovered."

Winnie the Shit: Winnie Mandela, estranged wife of pop star and international style guru Nelson, has been sentenced to five years imprisonment for fraud. The 'Free Winnie Mandela' campaign appears to be having more difficulty getting off the ground than her ex-husband's campaign some years ago.

Breathing Difficulties: Meanwhile the SARS virus continues to cull vast swathes of Canada and...I...honestly can't be arsed carrying on with this. I'm supposed to be recuperating from my operation, I'm tired and fed up and quite frankly I haven't got a clue what I'm doing here typing this crap night after night free of charge. Sod it! It's Friday evening, I haven't had a drink for three weeks and I'm knackered. I'm having the weekend off! Make your own minds up about the world for once 'cos I'm off to get drunk.

"Ignorance can often be improved but stupidity can never be cured."
Taken from last night's episode of MONKEY. You have to listen hard between all the bullshit and chronic special effects to find the odd intelligent line.