The Interim Iraqi Information Minister Speaks

"If I might say so, that is an outrageous claim. We are in total control. There is no looting. There has been no looting. There is order in the streets. There is more food on Iraqi dining tables than you can poke a semi automatic sawn off chopstick at. Milk and honey flows in the streets. Hospitals are providing a first class service with a free ex presidential solid gold bed pan being given away with every amputation.

Ten million tons of weapons of mass destruction have been uncovered. The two trillion vials of chemical and biological material found under a mattress in Saddam's bedroom have been placed in quarantine. The 55 most wanted card carrying Ba'athists have been placed under lock and key.

The oil fields have been returned to the rightful owners. We shall observe the Munich Convention ... we have no more territorial claims.

However it is now my sad duty to release the official count of Iraqi civilians killed during this war of liberation. Although there has been only one fatality I have to say that it is still one death too many. We deeply regret the passing of Mr. Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf. On behalf of the Holy Father President of the United States of America I convey sincerest condolences to his family."