Wednesday, April 16, 2003

Some Helpful Hints and Tips for People Undergoing a Laposcoptomy Chronicolititus Laperdictomy Choliosistitus Leperdoctorine Cholicchronicsistertium Gallbladder Operation!

1) When first booking into your room don't cram all your belonging into the bedside cabinet. For reasons best left to the ergonomically challenged designers of hospital wards, bedside cabinets are right next to the floor whereas hospital beds tend to lift the patient at least six feet into the air. When you're full of holes, stitches and acute pain you soon discover that it's impossible to bend down in order to reach your Gameboy, slippers, grapes, cordial, crossword book, Inspector Morse novel etc and end up having to watch the dreadful home-decorating programmes on the television all night instead.

2) When asked to shave between your nipples and your pubic bone don't have a go at your bollocks as an experiment at the same time. Despite everything that Elton John reckons it is not a liberating experience and there's nothing worse than having itchy balls when you're in too much pain afterwards to be able to scratch them.

3) Following the operation, prodding the large bandage over your belly button is not a good idea. Admittedly the huge quantities of methadone and morphine swimming about your system might cloud your judgement slightly but try to resist as blood stains are extremely difficult to get out of bed sheets, off walls, out of carpets, off boxer shorts, grapes, pillows, pyjamas, hospital gowns, the windows, the curtains, the staff nurse etc.

4) Staff nurses...don't try to remove a patient's tap whilst the aforementioned patient is still attached to a sphignometer (sp?). The increase in pressure on the patient's veins will result in an arc of blood that, if aimed correctly, will coat the lampshade and block up the air vent in the room next door.

5) When sneaking off for a crafty cigarette outside the fire exit, keep your foot firmly placed between the door and the jamb. A sudden draught whistling through the courtyard can easily result in you being locked outside in the pouring rain and having to hammer loudly on the window until the staff nurse wakes up and rescues you.

6) When waking up in the recovery room in a confused state, try to avoid making sexual advances towards the nurse. Your resulting bow-legged condition when you wake up properly can be put down either to the nurse taking offence and punting your goolies into the middle of next week or the nurse being male and taking you up on the offer.

7) Sneaking hordes of chocolate into the ward for post-operative comfort eating is not a good idea, as crocheted blankets do not afford much protection from large quantities of violently discharged vomit.

8) When arriving back home, do not attempt to write an amusing blog whilst doped up on morphine tablets, anti-inflammatory tablets and some weird capsules that induce epileptic fits and the desire to run through the streets naked shouting, "I'm an elephant!"

Uncle Brian...well on the road to recovery...physically if not mentally.

Day Whatever: Have taken up residence in private bunker in Syria. Good job I packed dose gold sinks and bidets before I left. Tummy feeling dicky after drinking Baghdad water last week. Might have been a bit hasty filling it with petrol. Still, got plenty of medicine from de hospital on my way out of town to sort dat problem out.
Dat evil little warmonger Bush and his satanic cohort Minister for Offence Donald Duck Bumfeeler are starting to get right on bosoms! First dey tell me to leave Iraq. If I leave, dey say, dey won't pursue de matter any further. So I get my belongings together, fill my private jeep with government ministers and bugger off to Syria just like dey said. Now they're threatening war with Syria because I did exactly what they told me. Bother and bugger dem! Might Allah smite the hypocritical bastards with his big hairy bollocks!

Day Whatever plus one: Gold bidet not working! Forgot to bring taps. Bumhole clogged with Majesterial clinkers.
Little bastard Bush now threatening to cut oil pipe line from Iraq to Syria if I don't go back! First dey say oil belongs to Iraqi people! No doubt about it! "Iraqi people will own de oil," Bush say on tellybox. "We not come to own oil at all! We come to free people!" Now dey say it's theirs and bugger the people and they're cutting it off! So much for Bush's democracy! Worse dan mine! Might Allah pull down his undies and fart all over der lying faces and tiny cocks!