Sunday, May 25, 2003

The British government has erected numerous large concrete blocks around the Houses of Parliament. (How picturesque.) The over-the-top reaction comes amidst fears of suicide bombers attempting to follow Guy Fawkes' excellent precedent by detonating themselves during the annual politician's pay-rise debate. (The only time that the Houses of Parliament are actually busy.)
John Prescott was, naturally, the first to have his trowel at the ready and had consumed vast amounts of stone chippings and concrete all last week.
"I had an iron square inserted into my anus by a team of expertly trained engineers," he explained with a mouthful of shit pie and chips. "That way when I laid the first block it didn't taper to a point where my arse shut."
Politicians had originally been hoping that Tony Blair would lay the first stone but unfortunately he was busy abroad laying President Bush instead.

Meanwhile, in the British armed forces, Major Somebody-or-other (I can't be arsed doing the research...blame ITN for sticking the news on when I'm busy making my dinner) is being taken to court by some American general for breaking the Geneva Convention in Iraq. Apparently the British Major bullied and tormented one Iraqi POW to the point where he was slightly offended.
"This is disgraceful," said the hypocritical Yank. "We can't have Brits going against the Geneva Convention like this. Sure...kill five thousand innocent people in cold blood like us Americans an illegal detention centre such as Guantanamo Bay and disregard thousands of human rights there...kill British soldiers in 'Blue on Blue's and then refuse to send those responsible across the Atlantic to stand trial for their murderous ways...but that's all different. This is a Brit we're talking about...and the bastard should fry!"
At this point the general started frothing at the mouth before continuing, "We still haven't forgiven the ignorant fuckers for killing Mel Gibson in Braveheart!"

Euroblindness...and Britain has managed to achieve its lowest ever score at the Eurovision Song Contest. "Nil Point et encoule tu Anglais derierres sil vous plait!"
Angry commentators have suggested that Tony bin Spin's recent campaign against Iraq was at the source of this disasterous result.
"The rest of Europe now hate our guts," said Terry Wogan, fat Irish, gut-busting sponsor of the talentless show himself. "We've ruled out the possibility of the song actually being shit, of course. All the songs we've entered over the decades have been shit and it's never affected them."
This morning Stock, Aitkin and Waterman were seen being frogmarched at gunpoint into the Ministry of Truth. Fifteen minutes later three shots were heard followed by a loud cheer from the British Music Industry.