Now look what's happened! There's something wrong with my right foot. God knows how but at some point yesterday, some point as yet undisclosed to me, I did something to it and now it's swollen down one side. A huge, muscular, throbbing, major swelling that looks as though a rhinoceros has climbed under the skin and built a nest inside. I only noticed it when I took my boots off last night and the right one tore along the stitches because it had gotten so tight.
I've calculated the number of hours I have left to live based on my own special Fatalistic Hypochondriac Duration Tables and whatever the swelling is I estimate that by Thursday at the latest I'll be in a coffin. This really isn't on. I've only just got out of hospital after a gruelling twenty-four hour BUPA operation on my gallbladder for crying out loud! An operation following which the cold hearted staff threw me out on my arse at six o'clock in the morning with the parting words, "If your stomach bursts open use the shoehorn we've provided to tuck the innards back." And, "It's raining. You should have brought your brolly."
And now this! Life is unbearable! I've rewritten my will and taken Clarkes Hiking Boot Manufacturers from the smallprint for obvious reasons. They're not getting my liver as originally planned. I'm leaving that to Teachers Whiskey instead and Clarkes will have to make do with either my blocked sinus or my kitchen sideboard.