Tuesday, May 27, 2003

Six useful tips for the producers of this year's British Big Brother on how to improve the 'interest quotient' of your programme for an increasingly unsupportive audience.

1) Turn off all the cameras for five minutes and replace the House Mates with cardboard manikins. Alternatively just turn off all the cameras and don't bother turning them back on again.
2) Kill Davina McCall and hire a large, brown slug feasting on a small piece of cheese to present the programme instead. In order to gain a few additional viewers, attach Davina's lifeless corpse to a riding stang and parade her through the streets of Coventry whilst a mob wielding pitchforks shouts, "Irritating, talentless bitch! Hang her by the nipples and puncture her spleen!"
3) Starve the House Mates for four days and then hand the big fat bastard whose name I can't be arsed researching a knife and fork. With a bit of luck he'll devour the other annoying little tits and then spontaneously combust.
4) Replace the current collection of characterless twenty-year old tossers with people older than thirty who have actually lived a little and who have more interests in life than just drinking and talking shit. This will encourage proper conversations instead of the mindless shouting and whooping that's all we can hear at the moment.
5) Whilst the House Mates are asleep steal all the women's clothes. After all, you chose these bimbos deliberately because of their looks. They haven't got an ounce of intelligence or amusement value from a personality point of view between them, so at least get them running round the house in the nuddy all the time. Better still, forcibly evict all the men. After six weeks of going without there should soon be some hot lesbo rumpy pumpy action on top of the chicken hutch.
6) Ensure that the doors are locked and then throw cyanide capsules down the chimney. Cook House Mates for three-quarters of an hour at Gas Mark 7. Remove from the embers of the house and leave to set into a solidified lump.

Uncle Brian: Finding that, against everything his better judgement tells him, he'd rather have Jade Goody back on his screen!