Wednesday, April 09, 2003

Baghdad has fallen to US troops...more or less. Scenes of jubilation and shoe waving (deliberately staged in some instances for tomorrow's papers) amongst ordinary people have filled our screens all afternoon. Well...when I say people, I actually mean men. Just men. There's not a single woman amongst them proving that American style democracy has indeed reached Iraq. Also missing, of course, is Saddam and his barmy army, along with the loveable Information Minister, the chemical weapons, the biological weapons, the images of the thousands of casualties created by coalition bombing raids and all the furniture from the Presidential Palaces.
As always the same five minutes of footage have been repeated throughout the day. One particular image consisted of an old man whacking a painting of Saddam with his shoe. A fat gent, who had just finished nicking a pot plant from somebody's living room, ran up to the painting, lifted his robes and attempted to shag its mouth. Carried away by their own stiffies British news producers have failed to spot that this somewhat surprising image. It has been shown at least eighteen times during Children's Hour to date. perhaps Nicolas Owen will be arrested along with his other colleagues for paedophile offences.
In Washington George Dubya's bellend has reportedly exploded showering Condolisa Ricin with toxic spunk, whilst in Downing Street an overjoyed Tony Blair said simply, "Let the pictures speak for themselves..."
Fair enough:

Multiply the image above by at least 10,000, throw in plenty of exploded head shots, limbless children, destroyed families, ruined buildings and soiled human remains and the pictures start to tell their own more truthful story.

The Liberation of Baguette!

And how the United States managed to achieve it! (Copyright Steven Spielburg Productions 2003)

"It was a battle for hearts and well as several thousand limbs!" said General Tommy Gun at a hastily arranged press briefing this morning. "The US Marines, God bless 'em, first barnstormed several angry sheep on the outskirts of the town (1), meeting with little resistance but a great deal of secretly stashed mint sauce. Establishing base at Abdulah Hussein Hussein Abdul's Novelty Rock Emporium on the promenade, the Marines then made several incursions towards Patel's Bric-a-Brac Store ("Round for all the only 75 pence each") last known headquarters of the evil Snail Party (2). Troops stationed near the River Wyre Tigris, however, hit resistance as they approached the gastropod stronghold in the hedges near the lighthouse (3). Using superior American intelligence and strategy they borrowed some cardboard boxes and disguised themselves as hermit crabs before dropping several thousand cluster bombs on their heads."
"The next stop was the market," General Gun continued wiping away a tear of pride from his Jap's eye with a bloodstained hankie. "We believed that Saddam Slug was nibbling some broccoli on George Houghton's Grocery Stall. (4) Following several air strikes and numerous casualties we realised that it hadn't been Saddam at all but Mr Abu Dabu Hussein Saddam Dullah Mohammed Hussein Abubu, the local fishmonger. It was an easy mistake to make as both were brown, slimy and made your skin crawl. Undeterred the Marines struck out again...this time for the Presidential Cottage on Jones Grove (5) where massive looting of the cutlery drawer was already well underway and several feral children had been raped by ITN Light Entertainment reporters."
At this point the General broke down into laughter as he removed the remains of an Iraqi grandmother from his boots onto the hubcap of his tank. "Having taken out the stumps from the cricket ground, and creased the entire Baguette Cricketting Eleven with several mortars in the process, (6) our brave boys in khaki then established a circuitous route down Caldwell Lane, through the post office on Lancaster Grove, (7) down the ginnel round the back of Mrs Turnbull's, across the tramlines and into the Queen's Head. They were greeted by several hundred Republican Darts Players wielding soggy beer mats. (8) A quick round of machine gun fire soon put a stop to that."
The press briefing now adjourned, a round-nosed man with not so round spectacles and antenna, known only to journalists as Dr X, taking over the story as we headed back to the taxi rank.
"In the north of the city," Heir Not-the-Snailraqi-Information-Minister-in-disguise told us. "The soldiers were enjoying a quick paddle in the sea. Some had built sandcastles and others were flying kites. (9) Then the Special Forces surrounded the last of the snails at Jones Grove (10) and using overwhelming and unnecessary force reduced them all to small patches of snot and broken shell. Since that time the people of Baguette have been enjoying their first taste of anarchy."
Following the conference George Dubya Shrub stepped triumphantly into the room with a barely noticeable throbbing hard on.
"See...I told y'all!" he smugly explained whilst fondling his dick as though not wanting to pee his pants in all the excitement. "Two wrongs can make a right! Just so long as you ignore the thousands of injured, maimed, killed, buggered and fucked civillians that we accidentally took out in the process."
President Shrub is currently having sex with a cushion.