Wednesday, April 09, 2003

Pre-operative Health Check List for Laparoscopic Cholecystectomy Surgey...
otherwise known as 'Hunt the Gallbladder.'

Patient's name... Brian Hughes.
Age...Thirty-nine and three quarters.
Sex... That depends on how drunk I am.
Occupation...Full time hospital patient.
Have you ever suffered from any of the following?
Haemophilia.... No! I'm a normal, hetrosexual male!
Brain Damage.... They're still searching.
False Teeth.... I have some plastic Dracula fangs but I only wear them on Halloween or when I want to frighten the local sheep.
False Legs.... The end of my bed is propped up on books.
Bypass.... No...but I used the ringroad once.
Haemorrhoids.... Not unless you include the Rant of the Week Deputy Editor.
Jaundice... Mostly my view on the world.
Asthma.... After thirty roll ups a day it's difficult to tell.
Rigormortis.... Usually by the third bottle.
Autism.... I prefer to use the tram.
Spastic Colon.... I have no connections with the Bush administration whatsoever.

I hereby agree that to the best of my knowledge the above information is correct. I also understand that there's a very good chance my surgeon will be performing twenty-five operations on the same day as mine and I might end up dying on the operating table due to his greed........... Brian Hughes The Duke of Edinburgh...go on...let's see you do a botch up job on me gallbladder now!