Tuesday, April 08, 2003

US says 'may never know' if Iraqi leaders hit

The US military said on Tuesday that it destroyed a building where President Saddam Hussein might have been meeting in Baghdad but that it could be impossible to find out who had been inside.

"We believe the attack was effective in causing destruction of the facility," Brigadier General Vincent Brooks told a news conference at war headquarters in Qatar.

"As to who was inside and what their conditions are, it will take time to determine," he said. "We may never be able to determine who was present."

Brigadier General Mel Washington Jefferson Brooks (same colour but no relation and who is lumbered with a far less comedic script than Big Brig. Gen. Vinnie) went on to expand, "we have become late converts to the Geneva Convention which, in part, prohibits discrimination. A new spirit of equality has been factored into the prosecution of this war. We have now extended our "Decapitation Strike" policy to include, without fear or favour, the entire Iraqi population. From a strictly military point of view it is a very efficient pro active, outcomes positive, goal oriented strategy. I believe that if we head count reduce the entire Iraqi population it follows, as sure as night follows the bright bit when the sun is out, that the main objective of removing Saddam Hussain will be achieved.

Upon the declaration of peace in our lifetime ... and here I extend our apologies our friends in the soon to be former Iraqi population, but you can't make Delia Smith's Bread and Butter Pudding without breaking eggs, even though she would contend that violence and disarray in the kitchen makes Jack the dull boy who tried to grow beanstalks in the Three Bears bed of vinegar and brown paper sauteed over a medium heat ... now where was I? ... ah yes ... the United Nations will be invited to administer the counting and identifying the contents of the body bags. Upon the bringing of the head of Saddam the Butcher to King George the W a permanent occupation an interim administration selected by the Florida Electoral Commission will be put in place. You all can't say fairer than that.

Thank you linesmen, thank you ballboys, thank you to my parents, thank you Halle Berry for the loan of this tokenism, thank you to the director and producer and thanks most of all to my beautiful agent. If it wasn't for my darling George Tenet and his lovely professional operatives I wouldn't be standing here tonight. Goodnight nurse, and God bless Ameraqi! Whoooa!!!"

Editor's note: Noticed the speech given by the American pilot who conducted the above mentioned bombing raid earlier tonight. Said with smugness usually only exhibited by Bush Jr: "It's no big deal. Any of our fighter pilots could have done it." Hmmm...nine innocent people killed outright. He's probably got that right then.