Thursday, April 10, 2003

That's that lot over with and we didn't 'alf give those Iraqi cunts a good stuffing, eh? Now perhaps those fuckin' gay anti-war protesters 'ull shut their gobs and fuck off back to Never Never Land! I reckon we ought to do Syria next. Not sure what they've done but they're Islamic wankers so we don't need an excuse.
North Korea needs a fucking good kicking and all. They're building nuclear weapons to hold the world hostage. Fucking tapped the lot of 'em! Stuff 'em where it hurts before they get too big for their friggin' boots, that's what I reckon! Fuckin' "Dear Bleeding Leader" my arse! "Dead fuckin' Leader with his head jammed up the Ayatollah's ringpiece" soon, hopefully!
My mate, Andy, he went out with a Korean bird. Right old dog she was. Had a face on her like a Cockatoo's arsehole. Didn't look nowt like she had done in the catalogue. A week after they was married she fucked off with some wog from Brighton. Dirty old slapper! Now Andy's married to some Taiwanese bint with AIDs. He doesn't 'alf pick 'em! She's as rough as a pensioner's shitter, but I'd still give her one. I'd spread her fat, sweaty fanny across that smoked glass coffee table of his and whack me dick up her arse. It'd be an improvement on stickin' it in her mouth!
Anyhow, I say good on y' Blair! Y' stuck by your guns, mate, and taught those stinking Arabs a lesson in manners. They won't answer back again. And perhaps next time they'll consider bringing their oil prices down, the thieving brown bastards!
Right...I'm off to balance Bertie over the bowl. Me fucking ringpiece has been stingin' since I ate that fucking vindaloo at the Balti last night. Bleeding Pakis! They need a good fucking for producing watered down shite like that! Get 'em down on the list, Blair me old mucker. I'll volunteer my services to stove in their testicles with the end of me boot!

Kurdish soldiers have captured Kirkuk in the north of Iraq several days before American forces originally planned. This has raised fears that the Kurds are attempting to establish an independent state. The Turkish government has threatened preventative action if the Kurds don't bugger off again. The White House has said that US troops will arrive just as soon as they've finished posing for photographs. Three cheers for them!
Meanwhile in Baghdad the main hospital, currently filled to bursting point with Iraqi casualties, has been looted by jubilant pillocks. Frightened staff are staying at home and vital equipment has been smashed, robbed and shat on. The countless victims of the coalition's mishaps already trying to survive without water are now without medicines and/or care as well. So well done you!
Tony Blair and George Dubya are to become Iraqi celebrities. BBC Iraqi License Fee TV will soon start transmitting images of the two 'Great Leaders' accompanied by Spice Girls songs. "This is not propaganda," explained Jack Straw, recently appointed Head of Iraqi Light Entertainment. "It'll be an informative compilation of Interior Decorating, Cookery and Antiques programmes designed to help the down-trodden population recover."
On a similar note, here in Britain Audi have released their latest one-minute information film about how to buy a car that cruises through unspoilt Scottish mountains to U2 music for under £13,999. It will appear on the ITV channel about 60 times a night.
Discussion is already under way as to what will happen to the Iraqi oil wells. The Washington Administration has stated previously that they will belong to the Iraqi people, although which people exactly they refuse to say. In a perfect world the wells would become a nationalised resource. However, America is not known for its socialist principles. In fact the USA's alliance with Saddam all those years ago was due to their fear of communism being stronger than the 'evil' dictator himself. So this should be a good one to watch.
Finally, US troops are advancing on Tikrit, birthplace of Saddam Hussein. Tikrit is believed to be the hiding place of Saddam's last doppelganger which, in effect, means that Saddam is now standing with his back to the wall. Weapons of mass destruction? Well, if he has them now's the time he's most likely to use them. Expect either severe casualties in the next few days...or, as is more likely, the distant fizzle of an anti-climax to what, under such circumstances, will have been an unjustified and highly illegal war.
Keep those stage-managed images of looting Iraqis and dancing Arabs in your minds, folks, and keep telling yourselves it's all been worth it as Bush's diplomatic skills go into overdrive. Since the original September 11th incident, at which time the entire world came out in sympathy, George Bush and his cohorts have effectively destroyed Nato, Dismantled the UN, turned the entire Middle East against them and transformed Britain and the rest of Europe into rabid Americaphobes. Bush's attempts to rebuild Middle Eastern relations, spearheaded by his now legendary if not elusive 'Road Map', should no doubt be enough to keep this board overflowing for the next three decades.