Basra's proving a bastard tonight. After a popular uprising during the afternoon (I wonder what an 'unpopular' uprising is...the bloke out of the Krankies with a hard on perhaps) Ba'athist soldiers opened fire on Iraqi civilians. (Letting off steam...Ba'aths.) In retaliation coalition troops dropped a 2,000 pound bomb on the Ba'ath headquarters (bit cheapskate if you ask me...must be more government cut-backs...most bombs cost far more than that) and reduced their vehicles to rubble...thus making them foot Ba'aths. (Editor's note: Any more of that and I'm fired.)

Public opinion throughout the Middle East is becoming fiercer as anti-war protesters burn Star Spangled banners and Union Jacks. (No Australian flags you'll notice. Probably difficult to get hold of at short notice.) An emergency meeting of the Arab Nations was held today but unfortunately Jordan refused to attend. In a statement she said that she was on tour and couldn't possibly let down her fans. (Editor's note: That's the second time I've made this crap joke in a week. This is my final warning.)

President Bush and Emperor Blair are set to meet in a few days time for a council of war in the honeymoon suite at Extremely Camp David. The conference room was specially designed by Lawrence Llewelyn Bowen with bear skin rugs and leopard skin wall hangings. Spanish plonk (French champagne is currently off the menu) has been laid on and a bouncing baby Prime President Blush is expected by Easter. Exactly who the father is it's not yet known although the serious money is riding on Donald Rumsfeld.

The push towards Baghdad continues tonight in the middle of ferocious sandstorms. John Prescott has apologised and returned to Blighty until such times as he can control his intake of sprouts. Jim Davidson, the hilarious Cockney shit, has been called in to boost British moral. This will be achieved tomorrow morning when he will be fed to the starving Iraqis.

In the meantime AIDS has started to arrive in Umm Bah Bah. Said a spokesman for the Iraqi Dock Workers Association, "The people of Qasr and Basra are in desperate need of sustenance. They haven't eaten for days and many are dying of malnutrition. However you can take these Tyne Brand pies back home with you 'cos they're not fucking stupid." The trial continues.