Tuesday, March 25, 2003

Written in a Top Secret Bunker somewhere in Washington Baghdad!

Day One of de Father of all Conflicts! Waiting for Gas Board to plumb top secret bunker. They're four hours late! Have to eat uncooked baked beans. Forgot fish food. Benjamin, my halibut, looking pale and wan. Lots of noise from outside. Some sort of party going on by the sounds of it. Allah be understanding big and threatening against my enemies!

Day Two of de Sister of all Dead Legs. Man from Gas Board finally turned up. Oven now working. Gas Man shot. Benjamin looking withdrawn around cheeks. Allah be munificent bugger de evil George Mini Bush up de bottom!

Day Three of de Uncle of all Skirmishes. Minister of Disinformation's birthday. Surprise party planned. Have broken Geneva Convention by making POWs bake him ricin cake. His present wrapped up in cellar. Apache helicopter! Not enough brown paper to cover rotor blades though. Hope he doesn't work out what it is or I'll have to shoot him. Allah be adored twat Tony Iota Blair in de face!

Day Four of de Nephew of all Pillow Fights. War going to plan, except for de bit where de crayon smudged. Have trapped coalition troops inside Nobel Mother-in-law Iraq. Will close gates tomorrow and turn off lights. Knew dat Tiny Bush would have forgotten Vietnam tactics. Draft dodging cross-eyed idiot. Candles running low. Visit Kwiki-Mart tomorrow to buy some more. Also must trim moustache. It's getting covered in Cup-a-soup. Allah be merciful a right royal bastard against de enemies of Islam!

Day Five of de Cousin of all Fuck Ups. Blue pencil snapped. Having to use charcoaled remains of Minister for Coloured Pencils. Had tummy cramps last night. Doctor reckons its wind brought on by stress. Doctor now being used as missing leg from War Cabinet. Don't know what Minister for Kurdish Containment is putting in dese burgers but it tastes like salted pork. Baghdad surrounded by Coalition Troops. No phonecall from Jacques today. Lines must be damaged. Supplies of garlic running low. Allah be beneficiant Russian!

Day Six of de Grand Mother of all Wars. Hate to admit dis but Little Orangutan Bush was right. Have been 'Shocked' at de stupidity of coalition troops and 'Completely Awed' by their desire to destroy each other. Allah be praised mighty and smite our foes with a very large stick! Am thinking of recalling Republican Guard. Just let de silly Allied bastards kill each other. At dis rate there won't be any need to wheel out anthrax bombs. Sad news! Benjamin died of starvation. Good news! Haddock for supper. Allah be exalted send us batter and a chip pan!


Oh, didn't we have a lovely time,
The day we went to Basra?
Five hundred dead, shot through the head,
And still there's resistence all around.
And on the way back, through Southern Iraq,
The bandits jumped the convoys.
Seventy billion dollars so far,
And no illegal weapons found.