LATEST NEWS

Basra airport secured: Blair

British Prime Minister Tony Blair has told the House of Commons the international airport in the strategic southern Iraqi city of Basra has been "made secure".

However it it believed that it will be another 3 weeks before the same can be said for Heath Row.

New assault on Nasiriya

US forces have reportedly launched a fresh assault on the key southern Iraqi city of Nasiriya. A senior US military spokesman says the attack has begun with a heavy bombardment, after a column of Abrams tanks and two columns of amphibious assault vehicles were deployed around the city.

The two columns of assault vehicles were officially redesignated as amphibious after they ended up in the Euphrates river after being shot down by an Australian Patriot Boomerang in the 519th incident of "just good cobbers fire".

Putin promises to examine Iraq sales claims

US President George W Bush has told Russian President Vladimir Putin by telephone of concerns about sales by Russian firms of "prohibited" military equipment to Iraq.

After representations from Senator Charlton Heston, President Bush informed President Putin that the WMD Free Trade agreement has not yet been signed and that until such time as it was the American Arms Manufacturers had sole rights to supply military equipment to Iraq.

Arab League ministers draft anti-war resolution

Arab foreign ministers have discussed a strongly-worded draft resolution opposing the invasion of Iraq and calling for an immediate withdrawal of US and British forces.

Spokestowelhead Sheik Ra Tellen Rol said that the Arab foreign ministers were happy to allow the Australian presence in to remain. "We have spoken to their commanding officer, Bruce of Arabia and the two other soldiers comprising the Australian army and have granted them refugee status. They feared that if they were returned to Australia they would be paraded as "show heroes" by the member for "Butcher of Bennelong", John Howard."

Turkey set to ignore US warnings on troop deployment

The special US envoy for Iraq has ended a day of talks with Turkish leaders in Ankara with no sign of Turkey backing away from its plan to send troops into Kurdish-controlled northern Iraq.

Turkey shoot coming up.

Saddam in 'full control' of Iraq: Aziz

Deputy Prime Minister Tariq Aziz says President Saddam Hussein is in "full control" of Iraq. Mr Aziz says the Iraqi leadership is "in good shape" and Saddam is "in full control of the army and the country".

Whitehouse Spokesgoebbels Heidi Fleischer counter attacked with a sharply worded statement. "George and the entire US Adminstration are fully in control of their minds. The President himself assured me, but moments ago, that there were 4378 spots on the wall ... and counting. Tom Ridge will be issuing the next terrorist alert as soon as his wife has finished with the paint swatches and decided on a color. Secretary Donald Himmlersfield continues to have confidence in his own convictions and will convict anybody else who disagrees. Colin Powell remains upbeat about events and expects he will become visible again in a few weeks. The Department of Homeland Security has confiscated the "Acme Invisibility Tablets" that were given away with the latest issue of "Military Super Heroes" comics.

Missile shot down over Kuwait

American and Kuwaiti officials say a US Patriot battery has shot down an incoming Iraqi missile fired into Kuwait.

General Tommy Frankenearnest has immediately apologised to the Iraqi field commander. "Unfortunately such incidents will happen when opposing forces don't follow rules of engagement. British Air Command has deviously resorted to disguising their Tornado aircraft as Iraqi missiles in an attempt to evade our Patriot missiles. Be assured this won't happen again. You can lead a horse to water but a one eyed man can't thread a camel through the eye of a noodle in the kingdom of the blind."

BASRA

Military officials admit they vastly underestimated the strength of Iraqi resistance and the loyalty of Basra's population to Saddam's regime.

"We're currently taking stock of the situation," Captain Patrick Trueman said.

"We were expecting a lot of hands up from Iraqi soldiers and for the humanitarian operation in Basra to begin fairly quickly behind us, with aid organisations providing food and water to the locals.

"But it hasn't quite worked out that way.

"We always had the idea that everyone in this area hated Saddam. Clearly, there are a number who don't."

No, Patrick me boy, they just hate Dubbya and the idea of an army of occupation more.

Here endeth the lesson.