Sunday, March 23, 2003

Be-beep ... be-beep ... dit-dah ... dit-dah ...

Peggy Farcus reporting in from Iraqistanbul to the Australian nation. I am pleased to report that with the help of Colonel Mainwaring, Privates Pike and Godfrey I was able to repel the advance by the French army. How dare these Gallic batardes think that my pretty head will be turned by gifts of cheap eau de colon and mouldy truffles!

All of the ugly frogs that were captured have been humanely put down. Some of the more attractive garcons (like Pierre de Boudain pictured right) have been taken into custody at a secret location in my boudoir.

That little hiccough behind me, I can now report some of the events that because of the stringent censorship of the American Ministry of Truth you will not see or hear in the spoonfed and complicit official media.

The Iraqi regime has struck back at the American leaflet drop with its own propaganda campaign. Millions of coupons have been dropped offering a 25% discount on a personal topless massage from Saddam's sister (see left) for the U.S. troops who have been stationed in Kuwait for many months without so much as a fleeting glance of Ulrike Johnsson's knickers. Director of Military Brain Washing Psychological Welfare, Major Billy-Joe-Bob Svengali said that he was confident that "this crass and unsophisticated campaign would spill onto barren ground as most Amerkin males were trained from early adolescence not be attracted to any female form that was not pneumatically enhanced or pubicly smooth. I mean to say, just look at those Goddam pathetic norks, I've seen bigger tits in Bill Oddie's book 'Twitching for Fun, Profit and a Higher Consciousness'."

Much codswallop has been hitting the airwaves and the tabloids as to whether the appearance on Iroquois TV by Saddam Hussein was actually him or a body double. Let me put that baby to bed. It was Saddam. The person in the photo on the right is Saddam's official body double Mohammed al Denti. He is best known in the West for his bit part in "Who Declared a Jihad on Roger Rabbit?" and who was for some time Iraqi's highest unpaid game show host.

As it would put their lives in peril I am unable to disclose my sources for this information. Suffice to say their credentials are impeccable and I shall refer to them by the fictional names of "Julian", "George", "Dick", "Anne" and "Timmy". In addition to those five, I am in constant contact with an Iraqi secret scientific research and development insider whom I shall refer to as "Uncle Quentin".

The leaders of the nations comprising the Coalition of the Ready, Willing and Morally Disabled have made a secret flying visit to the theatre of war. (See picture left.) Their flight was not without incident. Both Airforce One in which the President travelled and the Tiger Moth transporting Joint Vice Presidents Blair and Howard came under heavy artillery fire. Clever evasive action by pilot Hank Poindexter averted a blessing in disguise tragedy. Hank was heard to remark, "I don't mind it when our guys blow away a few limey aircraft, dammit they're the only planes they seem to have manage to shoot down so far, but hanging a bull's eye on the Boss's dirigible is another kettle of crawdads. Once our boys get their eye in those Iraqi dudes are in for a freakin' mother of all pastings."

I can further report the disturbing news that already there is a rift developing between the three members of the Axis of Sweetness and Light. Apparently Prime Minister Blair would not share Fatima the camel with his mates. Blair was heard to taunt his fellow travellers, "This is a dromedary camel, it has only one hump and that's me!"

After weeks of heated debate the Australian Parliament has finally approved the commissioning of the much feared Koala Sniper Regiment. These highly trained suicide marsupials are charged with the task of "neutralising" Saddam's elite Presidential Guards. Unfortunately one of these koalas is believed to have "gone native" and is understood to have been responsible for the grenade attack at an American tented command centre in Kuwait. One of the members of the regiment said "we aren't really all that surprised. Blinky Bill was a bit of a nutter and a heavy eucalyptus user, though I have say that his heart was in the right place and he never piked out when it was his turn to buy a round. Shit happens."

On a positive note the morale of British troops has been lifted skyward ... that bit over there filled with smoke, flames and collaterally damaged British aircraft ... with the arrival of Jennifer and Clarissa.

"I read in the papers that our boys were wasting away to nothing on army rations so Jennifer (who, at great expense to the lawyers who had just finalised probate on her estate, turned in her grave, dusted herself off and started all over again to make this trip) and I thought it was time for all true Brits to stand up and be counted. I remember being able to stand up without having to hold onto the bar stool, and bugger it I can do it again. Anyhow Jennifer and I have scoured the countryside buying up the food our lads need."

Drowning out the relentless sound of incoming friendly fire, cheers and hurrahs rose out of the British compound as Jennifer and Clarissa rode up on their motorbike laden with spotted dicks, yorkshire puddings, chip butties, black puddings and toads in the hole.

Be-beep ... be-beep ... dit-dah ... dit-dah ... over and out until the next report.

Pierre ... here I come ... you lovely little yummy creme caramel ...