It's a wonder Columbo's wife doesn't divorce him. Every time she gets a hobby he comes along and buggers it up for her. She gets into country music so he arrests Johnny Cash on murder charges. She starts reading horror novels so he arrests Stephen King for paedophilia. Every bloody thing the poor old sow does, enter Columbo, "My wife's a big fan of yours Sir," and that's the end of that! OJ Simpson must have been relieved that she never got into basketball. No wonder she poked his fucking eyeball out.

Going off at a tangent...I've just been watching the "George & Tony Show" at Kitsch David. Until this point I thought Uncle Tony was manipulative, slimy, jug-eared and an embarrassment to Britain. Having watched him with Dubya this afternoon I've changed my assessment to 'A colossus of intellect'. An articulate, coherent and rational leader who, for reasons best left to himself, has associated himself with a mindless insult to down syndrome children. The childhood memories of Johnny Morris at the gorilla house come flooding back, Jack Straw throwing his voice to anthropomorphise the flea-grooming Bush.

Incidentally, for Tony bin Blair's information, seeing as he got his facts confused, the 450,000 children who died in Iraq from malnutrition to which he alluded in defence of his current slaughter, did so through the enforcement of UN sanctions. And I doubt that any of the billions of coalition countries that have allegedly crept through the cracks of the world would argue with that.

"It'll take as long as it takes or as long as it will take. That's how long it'll take and it'll take that long, or longer, if need be. Slow but sure," said George Bush attempting to put into words the fact that the war isn't going well whilst passing comment on the passage of electricity through the stunted synapses that make up his brain.

At the end of the first week of the Iraqi Conflict...apparently it's no longer classified as a 'War' because 'War' costs almost two pounds an hour extra per serving soldier...it is becoming increasingly clear that the cities of Iraq are growing longer. When hostilities liberation broke out Basr was a simple four letter city with severe vowel disabilities and an open-ended pronunciation. By the end of day four, however, it had mysteriously added an 'a' to the conclusion of its name. As we head into the second week a further 'h' has now appeared. "It's quite possible," said an illiterate American skopesman, although his voice was muffled through a mouth full of beef burgers and dog shit. "That by the time we topple the twenty illegal Saddam Husseins from their evil thrones of despotism, Basrah might be more than one hundred and thirty-six characters long. This proves that the Iraqi people are now joining our forces in our battle for freedom." Major General Popalopodus then disappeared up his own backside in a puff of talcum powder.

Meanwhile Donald Rumbottle has admitted that American cruise missiles were "...almost definitely perhaps possibly involved or not as the case might be in what we've come to regard as might have been for certain an incident of definitely overstated maybe proportions in a rumoured Baghdad market, in which it was slightly highly probable that several suspected although not confirmed civilians were most likely unintentionally killed...a bit." It is also rumoured that Donald Rumbaba is "...possibly perhaps a slightly murdering little bit ugly although we can't say for sure cunt."

News just in and the auditors have finally returned from Afghanistan. "There were some difficult calculations," commented Abu Dabu, Chief Accountant. "But we counted up the dismembered fingers, divided by ten and reached some educated conclusions." The tally so far is approximately as follows: Financial cost...$60 billion. Human lives lost...25 thousand. Number of dictators killed...0. Amount of democratic elections since liberation...none. Number of terrorist incidents carried out by Al Qaeda operatives since the war ended...up by 500%. "Looks like the Afghan war was a great success!" declared Dubya from his Amber Bunker. "We're hoping to achieve the same results with Iraq...only on a much larger scale of course."