Tuesday, March 18, 2003


My fellow primates,

Diplomacy has failed! Those ugly krauts and stupid frogs wouldn't know what diplomacy was if it jumped up and bit them on their sausage-filled, garlic-smelling assholes. As for those pinko-commie Ruskies...we have an old Texas saying...sometimes a fish can lead you to water but if it's made of lead it'll drown. It is therefore with heavy wood that we've abandoned the UN route and forked left onto Route 66. Old Europe doesn't understand democracy. They think it's all about representing their people instead of agreeing to every demand that America makes. Time and time again we've tried to persuade them but now we have to put away our chequebooks and go it alone. With some others.

Saddam Hussein has claimed that Americans have tiny cocks. This just isn't true. Some of our female athletes have enormous todgers enhanced by the latest American steroids. But now we're going to prove that we don't have any balls by acting like the cowardly bullies that the rest of the world has come to regard us by...as...alongside...as we say in Texas. In our pursuit of peace we shall kill thousands of innocent rag-heads and then blow up their television stations so that nobody ever finds out. I know some Iraqis will be listening to this broadcast and having it translated into English for them. I say to them America and it's friend have nothing whatsoever against you personally. It's just that during our panic-driven destruction of your country you will die. That's tough shit. That's how democracy works and we're willing to implement it with illegal concentration camps if necessary.

Saddam Hussein has said that he will fight this war from anywhere in the world. I somehow doubt that. American scientists are always the first to steal the latest technology and, to the best of my knowledge, no 'matter transporters' have turned up on the black market yet. Let me tell any suicide bombers, however, you can't scare me! Not matter how many innocent people you kill around the globe I'll be safe and sound inside the White House surrounded by more security than a gnat's chuff.

Let me also make it clear that Iraqis must not blow up the oil wells. They belong to me the Iraqi people...or the huge corporations that we've been reaching deals with at any rate. And Iraqis must not use chemical or biological weapons against their own people. That's our job. All war crimes will not go unpunished...unless of course they're committed by American troops.

And so, with a heavy forehead, I say this to our allies. Saddam Hussein, you and your sweaty, towel-wearing off-spring have forty-eight hours to leave America. Then we're coming for you ready or not. Nobody wants a war, but nobody has the wherewithal to stop me.

Might God continue to bless America, its weapons of mass defence and my closest friends down at the Manhattan Chimpanzee Rescue Centre. Allah be damned. Perhaps one day the human being and a fish can coexist peacefully. Until then we, the Big Bastards of America, must continue to destabilise the rest of the world, claiming absolute sovereignty over all other forms of life whether greater or lesser.

Mainly greater.

Jeorge Dubya Bush jr.

Clare Short was rushed into hospital this morning following an attack of dizziness.

"At first we suspected the new strain of Chinese Pneumonia that's entered Britain...or Rice Poisoning to give it its medical name. But now it simply looks as though Ms Short was suffering from a bad case of too much spin," commented Dr Raj Patel. "The poor old cow has changed direction so frequently over the last forty-eight hours that she's mentally knackered. She's been clinging desperately to her job whilst lying through arse (or 'her face' to give it its correct medical name) about resigning. The spin factor has had horrific consequences on such a molecular-sized integrity as hers. Just look at the damage the centrifugal force has done to her features!"

Several plastic surgeons, three plasterers and Alan Titchmarsh have been called in to shore up the damage.

In the meantime two more cabinet ministers (this time with genuine reservations) have resigned from the government. The departures have driven Tony Blair to kick-start his final Iraq Debacle Debate this afternoon with the determination of a frenzied Dalek. After 'the long night of the whips' in which numerous labour politicians had their jobs threatened, others were offered promotions and prominent Tories were given excellent stock-market information, Uncle Tony is now assured of his vote of confidence... a vote proving that decency and fair play has not completely disappeared from British politics.