Saturday, March 22, 2003

Last night Baghdad, along with several towns in Northern Iraq, were bombarded by over a thousand cruise missiles and MOABs in what the Bush Administration called 'Phase One' of the 'Shock and Awe' campaign. (Or as the rest of us prefer to call it 'Mass Fucking Murder'.) According to Iraqi sources over 200 civilians were killed seriously injured in the 'precise military removal of strategic targets'. (Or as the rest of us call it 'The uncontrollable destruction of a entire city'.) Some ugly old Scottish New Labour bitch on the BBC News this morning remarked, "We should take these figures from Iraq with a pinch of salt." (Or a squeeze of lemon if her hideous, pig's arse of a face is anything by which to judge.) And I suspect we should. I've no doubt a few pigeons ended up with crisp beaks and several Iraqi children playing too close to the Iraq Ministry of Evil Propaganda ended up with slightly darker tans, but there's no reason to suspect that any of the missiles missed their mark. The fact that, on average, at least ten per cent of missiles tested in the past have buggered up implying that at least 100 of the ones used in last night's Blitzkrieg would have gone astray, is actually just a testament to how wonderful the new Microsoft Systems used to steer such devices have become.

Exactly how many innocent people died in the Northern Iraq towns where BBC and CNN cameras weren't mounted on rooftops isn't known. "Possibly somebody sustained a broken ankle somewhere," said the Ministry of Defence. (Defence? There's an irony!) "But we weren't responsible."

Another twelve British soldiers were also killed in helicopter crashes over night. Somebody, somewhere surely ought to be called to account for this? We've known for months about the problems the military have been having with their helicopters and tanks and yet we've allowed it happen anyway. I'm thinking of phoning the Health and Safety people later for a quiet word.

At the end of Gulf War I the official statistics stood at 14 allied soldiers dead, 142 Iraqis dead. Twelve years down the line and the real statistics are now approaching 150 allied soldiers dead, 10,000 Iraqis dead. Don't believe anything the bastards are reporting on the news right now folks!

Speaking of the news, this war has apparently become an entertainment sport. Every night the cameras in Baghdad are switched on and the presenters in the studio start jiggling up and down as though suffering from haemorrhoids, the excitement of their 'exclusive coverage' ("'s great television!") giving them awkward stiffies. Roving reporters advance on the front lines with great bravado and Bafta awards in their eyes. The video footage is grainy and squalid but it's live and anything can happen. All very reminiscent really of a certain Channel Five programme reviewed on this board some weeks ago.

"Hi! I'm Chuck Plastic of the Los Angeles War Department! And this is "The World's Wildest Bombing Campaigns!" Downtown Baghdad, Aye-Raq! These idiots thought they could drive their truck even when the air raid sirens were going. Those turban-wearing fools! When will they ever learn not to ignore American superiority? Don't they realise they can't outrun cruise missiles? And NO! Turning into a side street next to a hospital isn't going to help them in their pathetic attempts to hide! There's no escaping the full justice of American foreign policy. Moments later and those stupid, Iraqi rednecks are buried beneath fifty tons of rubble. The only driving they'll be doing from now on is in slaves coupled to Baby Jesus' mighty Chariot of Justice!"

Turkish troops (much as predicted) are already entering Northern Iraq to cleanse the Kurds protect their country. (Sounds familiar doesn't it?) Not that the Bush Administration gives a shit about the start of World War III. They're still hoping they've killed Saddam. (How come Saddam only has one name these Lulu and Sting...and Dubya?) American Intelligence (surely a contradiction of terms) claims Saddam was in the room next to the one struck by the initial missile and was injured in the blast. A man resembling Saddam (and, let's face it, there aren't many of them in Baghdad are there?) was seen being carried on a stretcher to the hospital. So they bombed the hospital to be on the safe side.

No...I'm not joking. That is the official line. Deliberately bombing hospitals? Now that really is the end of the Geneva Convention! As Bush himself said a few days ago, "Make no mistake...all War Criminals will be brought to justice."

I really fucking hope so mate.