Monday, March 17, 2003

Ready, Steady, Cook off!

Did Robin Cook resign or was he pushed? Either way cheeky flame-haired leprechaun Robin Cook stormed out of Number 10 Downing Street this afternoon shouting, "The man's an eejit! We're all fecked begorra so we are!" Perky Robin (23) is the first to fall victim to Tony Blair's evil world domination plans. Other ugly bastards are expected to follow, although Clare 'Back-end-of-a-bus' Short appears to have done a complete U-turn. She was seen leaving Number 2 10 with the rest of the cabinet and refused to comment on her previous threat of resignation. "Typical," said Mr Bogbrush of Fleetwood. "The woman's a shit that won't flush away. She just keeps bobbing back up around the 'U' bend with all the old jonnies. Talk about a rotten old turd, eh?"

In a statement to the press this evening Sir Robin Cook of Never Never Land said, "I cannot possibly be expected to stay in the employ of a man who's going to unjustly start a war at just turned midnight tonight. Besides which John Prescott stinks. The man never takes a bath and his farts are disgusting."

Meanwhile UN Weapons Inspectors are leaving Iraq as George Bush's "Moment of Streuth!" comes hurtling round the corner. Tony Blair has yet to deliver the 'Commons Vote' on the Iraq crisis that he's repeatedly promised over the last few months. And it doesn't look as though it's going to emerge either, seeing as the war is only a matter of hours away. Hold onto your hats folks, we're going in...or if you're Iraqi, hold onto your heads.

I'm prepared for the war! I've cleaned out me coalbunker an' put some frilly cushions in it...that should protect me if any nuclear bombs go off...I've covered me windows with sticky's Sellotape actually 'cos I ain't got nothin' else but it should do the' I've been down to Iceland and bought up tons o' bully beef and Spam and cat food and powdered eggs (or what they call 'custard' nowadays). And I've shifted me radiogram under the stairs so's I can listen to that nice Iain Duncan Blair givin' us stirrin' patriotic speeches and 'elpin' us through the Blitz. I've even stuck me Union Jack drawers up in the living room window. They stuck quite easily with all that Sellotape...not that they needed anything to 'old 'em up w'at with me washing machine still bein' bust. Oh yeah...and I've dug out Our 'Enry's (God rest his laurels) old machine gun w'at 'ee should 'ave given back to the MOD after the war but didn't on account of 'im not bein' arsed ('scuse my Sodomy).

So now I'm ready! I've got sandbags round me doorstep and I've filled Thora's old knickers with hydrogen and attached 'em to me Zimmer frame. Well, petrol's goin' t' be scarce once those nig nogs start settin' fire to the wells in the Falklands, and now that Thora's passed on she won't be needin' 'em no more. (Not that she wore 'em much any'ow...especially w'en she was entertainin' the troops!)

So do you worst Larry Hagman Hussein! Britain's ready for y'! Any nig nog w'at comes near my 'ouse with a nappy round 'is 'ead and an umberella with rice puddin' on it's tip 'ull soon learn not to mess with us Brits! I'm an 'undred and thousand, y' know? An' I've survived three world wars, four 'ip operations, seventeen jumble sales an' Mrs Melchette's Yorkshire pudding! Come near my letterbox with y'r grubby 'ands and your dirty bums and you'll get a broom handle rammed so 'ard up your jacksies your big oggly eyes 'ull pop out of your 'eads and your moustaches 'ull corkscrew up at the ends!

Dear Mrs G. G. Hughes,

The Austerican Government applauds your gritty determination in the face of the current threat to your personal safety. It was this sort of steadfast attitude that won past wars for Britain against overwhelming odds and consigned thousands of willingly conscripted apple-cheeked Aussie lads to happy resting places in far off battlefields. Like you we look forward to an encore performance by "our lads".

Please find enclosed a selection of anti-terrorist fridge magnets personally signed by Prime Minister Howard. They should be taken three times daily with a pinch of salt after meals.

Yours Sincerely,

Alexander Downer.

Yesterday George W Bush promised that this afternoon would be the "Moment of Truth"! Now...exclusive to the Rant of the Week (in association with Bush Oil Wells Unlimited)...we bring you that actual moment in glorious black and white and with no added flavourings or special effects. Ladies, gentlemen and transsexuals...please put your hands together and pray like fuck:


George Dubya Bush is the most dangerous, moronic twat in the World!

This moment was sponsored by the estimated half a million innocent people in Iraq who are about die. Unfortunately it will be the last "moment of truth" to be broadcast for some considerable time. From this point on all media coverage of world events will be heavily censored, all spin will become straight forward lies, all death tolls will be hushed up and all Arab television stations reporting on the carnage will be legitimate bombing targets. As the saying goes...War begins with Dubya! As does 'Wanker'.'s the final countdown...the evening before the morning after where resignations both to the global situation and from high ranking cabinet positions are inevitable. The arguments have been made. Tony Blair and George Bush have completely ignored them, along with the democratic process, and done their own thing anyway. And as the rosy glow of the sun sets over Baghdad the evening air bristles with anticipation and anthrax spores.

Only one channel will continue to bring you "The Truth" regardless of the risk to our own security. Only one Blogger Board will continue to sift through the swathes of patriotic propaganda to reach the nitty-gritty of the actual genocide. Unlike the tabloids and the politicians, the BBC and the Young Soldier, the Rant of the Week will be bringing you accurate, up-to-the-minute reports covering all aspects of this moral and justified war. We will no longer be reporting the sort of lies that we have been reporting so far. We fully support the highly intelligent and peace-loving Christians, President Bush and Prime Minister Blair, in their heroic resolve to rid the world of this evil tin-pot dictator and Al Queada suspect. We wholeheartedly agree with the 'War against Iraq' as the only method to uphold world peace and democracy and our glorious way of life, and we fully understand that less than three or four people will be killed in the process. God bless America and Great Britain, lands of the free and the brave. Now let's get out there and whoop Saddam's black ass!

Dep. Ed. adds ... good stuff, we want blood! Think we have a few intellectual giants ready to jump THE ANTI-WAR CAMPAIGN ship and sign up to the Campaign for Wholesale Blood and Guts in the Streets.