THE LATEST WAR REPORTS
Provided by the United States Ministry of Truth
"The humanitarian liberation of Iraq is proceeding according to Our Glorious Leader George Bush's master plan," said sexy screen idol Donald Rumsfeld this afternoon. "The bombing was precise and met with no resistance whatsoever. The first 'dictator-seeking' missile we launched killed Saddam Hussein. It entered his bunker through an open window, navigated several staircases and then knocked politely on the War Cabinet's door before entering, swerving carefully around a three month old foetus that was being used as a pro-life shield and making contact with Saddam's left temple. No other Iraqis were injured...or even frightened...apart from one chaffinch whose tail feathers ended up slightly singed. Brave American troops have been caring for the startled bird in a Mobile Surgical Hospital on the Kuwaiti border and it is believed to making a full recovery."
When asked about Saddam's appearances on television Mr Rumsfeld replied, "We have studied the tapes and now know them to be false. The calendar in the background clearly shows the date as April 17th 1946, the Iraqi foreign minister is just a child in baggy fatigues wearing a stuck-on moustache and what initially appears to be Saddam is a cardboard cut-out with somebody operating the mouth from behind."
Opposition met by ground troops in Umm Pahpah proved to be marginally stronger than originally anticipated. However, after caring American soldiers put forward their pro-war arguments to the ill-informed Iraqis, baffled by their brilliant logic the Iraqis saw reason and immediately surrendered. They are now enjoying their first delicious taste of McDonalds and Coca-Cola in a five star luxury hotel funded by the generous American tax payers.
In Kuwait an army helicopter has crashed killing eight British and four American servicemen. The incident was not the result of incompetent, useless Iraqi defences but was an accident produced by desert sands clogging up the rotor blades. Unfortunately the military had absolutely no idea whatsoever at all about this design fault and could never have predicted such a one-off, unprecedented occurrence ever happening.
Huge explosions rocked the city of Baghdad again last night as more than forty missiles took out ricin coated plant pots, secretly located mines and propaganda-filled posters sponsored by Saddam Hussein's evil regime. A bluebottle was slightly offended in the attack.
In retaliation several nuclear scud missiles were launched from the evil dictator's bottom, carrying anthrax, Dutch elm disease and Chinese Pneumonia. Also strapped to the nose cones were Iraqi babies. "This proves what we've said all along," commented Ari Fleischer from the front line. "Saddam Hussein is a virulent disease who harbours weapons of mass destruction for his own sexual gratification." "Don't you mean 'was'?" asked a stupid reporter. "That's what I said," corrected the handsome Mr Fleischer before recognising the reporter as an evil Iraqi minister and having him shot. All of the scuds were shot down by Patriot missiles whilst B52s caught the babies in specially made nets filled with comfy cushions.
UN figures for estimated war casualties have been greatly exaggerated. The removal of humanitarian aid at the outbreak of hostilities was predicted to result in the deaths of almost one million babies and a further 50,000 to 500,000 adults. "This is clearly nonsense," said the sensible Donald Rumsfeld. "That's just those jealous old Frogs and Krauts trying to stir up more hatred. Fortunately, as Americans, we can rise above those Old European rumours and forgive those who trespass against us."
"This war should be over within a few days," added George W Bush, liberator and humanitarian. Recent polls show that over three-hundred per cent of World Leaders and eight thousand per cent of his own adoring public now believe Mr Bush was extremely wise in making such a difficult decision. "We were fools," said CND activist Walter Swinewings. "Now we fully endorse this peaceful revolution and deserve to go to prison for our crimes against common sense."