Thursday, March 20, 2003

My name's Nicolas Owen. If you've just joined us this is a Specially Extended WAR Bulletin. We've been on the air now, reporting live, since the deadline set by President Bush for Saddam Hussein to leave Iraq expired at one o'clock this morning. Since then I've been trying to sound 'enthusiastic yet concerned' about the situation, but it's becoming increasingly difficult to find anything new to discuss. Just time to read the headlines again: At dawn this morning several cruise missiles hit Baghdad but unfortunately our cameraman was answering the call of nature at the time. In retaliation, two scud missiles have allegedly been fired at Kuwait...but again no actual footage. We cross now to Jordan for the latest updates. Not the Jordan/Iraq border as we'd originally hoped, unfortunately, but due to an administrative error Jordan the busty pop star who's just leaving a night-club in Manchester's Piccadilly. Jordan...a night pregnant with anticipation?

Good morning Nick. As you can probably see, Manchester is an eerie, deserted place right now. There are no cars, no bustling pedestrians...just the occasional hoot of a nearby owl. Of course, this might have something to do with the fact that it's four o'clock in the morning.

Have you been able to ascertain the general mood of the people there tonight?

Either drunk or asleep in bed, Nick. It's hard to believe that less than twelve hours ago this city was groaning beneath the weight of shoppers going about their enigmatic business, prostitutes plying their wares beneath the train bridge, dog walkers by the canal wrapping up their pets' droppings in white handkerchiefs for reasons best left to themselves...

Jordan, we're going to have to interrupt you there. Our producer has just informed us that our audience is leaving in droves through boredom. Janette Kranky joins us now in the studio. Janette, you saw a documentary once about the British Armed Forces...what do you think will be the overall feeling amongst the ground troops in Iraq tonight?

Wadda yhoo reckon, Nick, y' dozy pillock? They'll be fuckin' dancin' in the desert I expect. Fandaba-fuckin-dozy for Christ's sake!

Ann've just brought a book out and want to promote it so you've agreed to fill some empty air-space for us. What impression do you get from this first, rather less spectacular than we were hoping for, attack by American forces?

Well Nicolas, I think it's quite obvious that America is trying to get the psychological edge on the Iraqi forces so that they'll surrender before the mass slaughter starts, thus giving the government some excellent propaganda footage of their 'humanitarian' approach.

And if that happens do you think the much vaunted "Three Day Shock and Awe" tactics we were so desperately hoping for might still be employed? Hold on...don't answer that...we're going to have to leave it there. Apparently our one remaining viewer is falling asleep. In desperation we cross now to Northern Iraq where Peter Snow has promised us some exciting footage of naked women.

Nick...unfortunately we couldn't find any nude females out here in the desert. That's one of the problems with a Muslim country of course and, in war, nobody really knows what's going to happen. However, if I drop my boxer shorts thus, you can tell by the flaccid state of my swing-o-meter that the conflict hasn't been as devastating as we'd hoped tonight.

Peter...we know you're somewhere on the front line and have to abide by military censorship but are you able to be more specific than that?

Well Nick, I'm currently standing between the chamber pot and a basket of sweaty socks. And I'm just getting word from the director that we've managed to fill enough air space to warrant going back to the headlines and starting the whole bulletin again.

Thanks Peter. The time is almost five minutes later than it was before. We'll be bringing you the latest second by second analysis of the crisis as it occurs. My name's Nicolas Owen. If you've just joined us this is a Specially Extended WAR Bulletin...etc.


Unconfirmed reports are coming in that American ground forces (led by Charlie Dimmock since the financial death of Alan Titchmarsh) have uncovered a batch of 'Iraqi Eggs' buried in the sand near the Kuwait border. "These Iraqi bastards don't breed like the rest of us," commented General Herman Stormin' Goering when pressed on the issue. "We keep trying to tell folks back home that they're not human and these eggs are proof of that. Now maybe the Frogs and the Krauts will sit up and take notice instead of being foreign assholes!" The eggs are approximately melon-sized and each one contains a tiny Islamic foetus coated in ketchup. Experts have been called in to diffuse the yolks and several armoured chip-pans are being relocated to the area.

Even More Recent Breaking News...

One of the problems of having signed up to BT Internet's "Evenings and Weekends Only" option means that I can't actually post anything until after six p.m. Unfortunately, despite their huge licence fee, the bastards at the BBC won't postpone the war. However, Donald Rumsfeld made an announcement earlier from the Ministry of Truth, advising common Iraqis to stay indoors tonight and lock their windows. Yeah...right. And how exactly are they supposed to hear this announcement Donald, seeing as one of the targets this morning was the Iraqi television studio? More to the point, if you actually gave a shit about their lives why didn't you deliver your 'advice' in Iraqi? Whatever the case seeing as 3000 missiles are expected to fall on Baghdad in the next few hours closing windows isn't exactly going to help matters much is it?

Meanwhile George W. Bush (as well as Ari Fleischer and various others) have repeatedly said that Iraqi oil wells will be left in Iraqi hands. The money generated from them, however, will go towards funding the costs of reconstructing Iraq. Considering that only American companies will be allowed to rebuild Iraq's infrastructure it seems the money from that black gold will be finding its way into the good old USA whatever happens. Much like Turkish troops, according to rumour, are finding their way into Northern Iraq right at this moment.

Expect some impressive explosions soon folks. George Bush's bellend is about to go off!